[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
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That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My safe word is Worcestershire
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole