*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
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dogs can find happiness so easily
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.