Imagine having a party on purpose.
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[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“How’s your day going?”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end