“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
step 6: release the wall snake
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.