I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
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Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I finally found a reason to live again.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“You’d better run, egg!”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.