I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”