*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
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I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.