Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
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God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
The honesty is refreshing
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this