Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
You Might Also Like
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.