June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.