so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
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I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.