wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.