Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.