Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house