My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Breaking news:
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?