“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.