[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.