Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.