I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
You Might Also Like
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.