Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
girls literally only want one thing..
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”