Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside