me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
You Might Also Like
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys