Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.