You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
so much to do
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
The only good comments section online is on recipes
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy