my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.