The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Nice try, poison.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…