me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.