[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️