I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
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Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
💻🤡
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most