Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.