Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
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Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
who did the taste test?
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.