Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
What’s so funny?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.