the #horror is real!
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows