Sounds like a bargain
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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*pronounces fake like saké*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Uh oh…
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.