Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.