you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.