[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
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If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Good boy 😂😂
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now