*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
*jingles half the way*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
decorating my apartment
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it