ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
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America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Has there ever been a more American story?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.