First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I bet
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own