New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.