My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Can’t, holding a grudge
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!