Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
You Might Also Like
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Finally! 😈
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?