He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.