Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Not even remotely sorry.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog