found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
how to have an accident 101
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet