You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
You Might Also Like
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
A wise man once said nothing.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.