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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
“Huge”.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team