[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.