My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”